Lawsuits fighting against MAID MI-SUMC that have nothing to do with the charter, and only misplaced grief- are killing me. (These pictures are nothing compared to the murder shows we all love).
"Those who publicly advocate against MAID MI-SUMC aren’t protecting anyone but their own feelings." Exactly. It is their primal fear of the inevitable, projected outward. Those who oppose you are simply afraid of their own death, and of processing the deaths of their loved ones.
As you so elegantly express, nothing feels as good as being able to help someone else, in any way large or small. Your fight right now is a battle to help those who will come after you, and I hope that offers you some solace. I hope that you find release soon.
I am not mad at you, yes it's hard to read about your suffering, and yes you absolutely should write under your own name. You are a real and vibrant person writing truthfully about real and difficult things, but I hope you see from these comments that your writing is reaching and touching people. It is helping us to understand and to advocate with and for you. Please post some ways we can support and expand your advocacy - I am just a retired person with no medical or relevant experience, but any suggestions of ways to support your cause are welcome. MAID is always going to be a difficult and delicate issue to iron out, but your voice makes the need for better policies painfully obvious.
Your memories of volunteer work are so beautiful. I am sure that others who have been touched by you know who you are and remember how much good you have brought them in spite of the difficulties you live. Thank you.
This is the perfect advice. I’m actually a complainant with DWDC & John Scully- taking on the Feds for our right to MAID MI-SUMC. Thank you for spreading helpful, relevant, factual information.
I know that Dying With Dignity Canada is leading an effort to ensure that voices like yours are heard. They are campaigning hard during the current round of public consultations. Toll-free 1-800-495-6156.
Thank you for telling people this. Yes. This is wonderful. Thank you. If you read some other comments- people feel lost, the logistics seem overwhelming, and what you’ve suggested is right on.
There’s nothing I wish for more than being able to talk to someone- a person who isn’t my doctor, mother or sister. I just… I’m so far gone. I will do my best.
I’m proud of you for writing under your real name. I’ve been through some similar experiences. During one of my delusions, I wanted to set myself on fire and die in flames. I’ve made two suicide attempts by poisoning myself with morphine and tobacco. I was restrained for days because I was hallucinating from hard drugs—PCP, LSD, cocaine, and more. I experienced homelessness for a time. Since finding housing again, I’ve been volunteering. I’m publishing a medical encyclopedia with OpenAI, and I’ve managed to keep my head above water a little. I still have severe depression symptoms, but I’m writing books with ChatGPT and have reached 22 books so far. My website is Unesante.com.
Like you, I wish I had access to medical assistance in dying for my mental health condition. Your fight inspires me. It could allow me to die with dignity rather than being tied down and forcibly confined, which has happened to me multiple times. I think it’s amazing that you’re writing about what you’re living through. Don’t give up! You can win this challenge—you will succeed. It’s an inequality in treatment to deny this option to people. Since Bill C-7, it’s been discriminatory.
I wish you lots of strength and courage to keep going, and I hope you don’t carry too much on your shoulders.
I continue to read you with each publication, following the progress of this heart-rending protest. The challenge against the person who asked for help to die for bipolarity and a bad back shouldn't go far. It was the person's choice, the family won't be able to forbid it and the doctor judged that all his illnesses were intolerable, he was less strict than other doctors, I think we should be able to die as we wish, it's capacitism to prevent others from dying.
Thank you for continuing, thank you for being there, thank you for fighting for equal rights for all of us.
I can’t tell you what this means to me. It breaks my heart- I really wish no one understood, but here we are. You keep going, and I’ll keep going. I know I don’t know you, but you are in my heart. Thank you, so much. Peace and Love.
I'm not disgusted, I don't think you are a disappointment etc etc. I don't know. I do not know. But since you bravely want tp stick around until 2027, maybe volunteering isn't the worst idea ever. Simplistic absolutely considering all of the pain you are in. Terrifying for sure sometimes leaving my apartment feels terrifying. But you are stuck right for another 2 years. I say this non sarcastically please knkw that. You can spend every hour, every second, hating it all and being overwhelmed and just like 2 hours a week volunteering. The safety of the suffering, weird way to put it I realize, will still be there for you. You can count on it. Has it ever let you down? Just 2 hours a week pr he'll even a month volunteering even if it doesn't help a single thing. To me, you seem so lost in your brain that a billionth of a digging out might be 2 hours a month out of the home you never leave.Noone will forget you are tremendously suffering in that time.
I understand what you’re saying and I completely agree. The problem is, I can’t leave here (my place) without breaking down. Volunteering was the very last thing I lost. I tried so hard to at least keep that- but I started having panic attacks regularly on the way there, breaking down and/or crying. It started bleeding into my work there, and the worse it became, the worse it became. Knowing I can’t control my thinking/behaviour for volunteerism has crushed me. I miss it as much as I miss being a real person.
Thank you for your insight and thinking of me- especially with potential solutions.
I wish I could act on your advice. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I appreciate you.
Thank you. I do worry that my commenting will somehow push you over the edge but I sure hope that isn't the case. What I know from my experience and yes we are all different is that if I stopped doing things becasue I had a panic attack going to them/at them/after them, then I would never ever go anywhere. In a way, interacting with you on here gives me some insight in how difficult it has been for therapists to work with me as I am extremely quick to shut down every idea they have. They eventually say thaty can't worrk with me and I get hurt and etc but really if I shut down everything they say how cxan they. I am not a therapist or your therapist so the comparison is flawed but I knda see a bit now.. I mean if you go out and you have a break down and cry and shake (I shake with essential tremor and with nerves lordy. It is a lot of shake and it makes the volunteering tough and makes you feel stressed is that the worst thing on earth? I don't know the ins and outs of your brain or mine obviously but I do know that my thinking has ruined many many things for me - cost me jobs, ruined travel blah blah - but if I sat around and never went out and never ever went out and finally never ever went out then I'd never be able to go out. i'm reminded of a poor fellow I kind of follow who hwas severe CFS - which is a totally real and devastating thing I am not minimizing it. It is an actual physical ruination of the body and mind - anyway, he hasn't been outside or out of his bed in over a dexade, dependent on his elderly parents for everything. Even if he were to get better, his muscles/brain/etc are all completely devolved from his not getting out of bed for more than a decade. his disease in a sense has created an additional disease. But he can't see it, his parents can't see it and it is awful.
Okay, I've gone on way too long. I am never sarcastic here please know that (I am elsewhere ha) but I mean what would happen if you went out once for like 25 minutes to volunteer for 10 minutes the first time and had a horrible panic attack going, there and back - would it make things worse? From the sounds of it from your posts, things can't get worse. They are the worst right now. I mean it will be exhausting and your face will be puffy and red but the worst that would happen is what? You would die? No, but I mean you want to die anyway so that can't be scary. Wow, if I had no fear of death and in fact craved it then I'd be free in a way.
Thank you for your true words. The unequal treatment of mental suffering and physical illness is actually the continuation of a centuries-old discrimination against the mentally ill. It is so important to name it.
As someone who has gone through bipolar depressions, I can well empathize with the longing for relief from death. However, I rule out this solution for myself. Maybe I've dealt too much with descriptions of near-death experiences. That the suffering ends in the self-selected death is a certainty that has been lost to me. I play with the option more than a fantasy of relief, but deep down I am not convinced.
What makes you so sure that death will actually bring you salvation? Could the separation from your body possibly make everything worse?
Thank you for this. To answer your question/ I really don’t know that it will, and that can be terrifying. I just know that I live in constant torment, and all day I picture myself being tortured- and I wonder if I could take it, and for how long. I think of the worst of humanity- the rot. I’ve flirted with death (like you)- I was in a coma/life-support, heart-attack, respiratory arrest, difibbed- the greatest hits of full lights-out, if you will, and I remember what it was like to hear the code-blue… it was nothing. No light, I just knew it was over. And it was, just like that.
I can’t believe how strong you are. I have a friend with BD, and she’s Catholic, and it’s not an option for her, either. It’s been the only thing I ever really wanted- the only constant in my life. I pray to God everyday, thanking Him for how fortunate I’ve been, and I’m so grateful. I pray for my family and friends, and people who are suffering. I feel full of love, but I’m always on my knees, begging to know how I can go on like this.
Thank you for the detailed answer. I don't know if it's strength to rule out the option of actively ending my life. It's more the suspicion that it won't work, that the longed-for thing won't be waiting there. It’s not so much a moral consideration. It is simply the fear of being deceived by a fantasy.
In terms of Christian religion or mysticism, I try something like love of one’s enemies. I think we all see pain as our enemy, it's very human and unavoidable. The Christian approach to love of our enemies is very counter intuitive and in relation to chronic suffering it sounds slightly cynical and non-empathetic when we hear the recommendation to accept pain completely or even to see it as our friend or rude teacher. But something about it feels true to me. Buddhism also has the story of the second arrow. The distinction between pain and suffering, that arises from fighting pain. So I try to live experimentally with the question: Is it possible to direct my love towards this pain?Can you do anything with that or is it just annoying for you?
I also really dislike hearing this idea from people who have obviously never seen this ocean of suffering in their lives and have only fallen into a puddle once - without ever having experienced this desperate longing for death.
I also tried the loving my enemies thing! I started small: Yankee fans. It was working until I was restrained. The not working thing is the worst. 1/2 of who try fail. You should probably fact-check that but I think it’s around there. Not only doesn’t it work, but then your body’s effed-up somehow- and the worst part of all of it, is that they put you in. The last place we want to be. Volunteering is amazing. It worked better than any therapy or drug (but I couldn’t have done it without them). Regarding directing the pain- having it align with love is why I have to write. I feel it all, all the time and it’s too much. Finally, 100% agree: just because you have eyes doesn’t mean you know what it’s like to loose your sight.
Ok forget the love your enemies thing. The main point is maybe the pain survives death thing. The old suspicion that NOTHING kills your pain and death as an ending is an illusion, a joke. Maybe a funny one. We’ll see.
God bless you. I connect with a lot of psychiatric patients, (100s/week?) and the Canadians all say that: they can’t find psychiatrists. This seems to be a real problem I didn’t know about, or didn’t consider. Have you talked to a physician? That’s all I can think. I’ll tell you what; we’re doing this. You, me, all the ones who have empathy and believe in equality- it’s happening, it’s changing. Hang-in, please? I’ll try harder if you do. I know the tank is empty but please wait for us to win. Someone will be there, to hold your hand, and show you love.
DWDC is who could help with the logistical information (when it becomes legal for MAID MI-SUMC). They guide you through it, explain your options, and summarily add light to a situation shrouded in darkness. That’s what they do for those who need MAID. I was assessed completely for the lawsuit, and it’s not a super-simple process.
There’s a lot of talking stock of your entire life; your disease, and how it’s killing you. That’s a lot for anyone, and we’re already crippled by it all the time. You have to go over and over your worst episodes, explaining all of the “why”s for your symptoms, for each one, each time. You have to have to explain how, and why you feel that you can’t live anymore, why you’re dying. You have to talk about why you started/stopped taking certain drugs, started/stoped a certain therapy, you have to talk about how you feel on that day- as you’re talking. You have to talk about everything you’ve lost- at least, what you don’t have.
They examine the seismograph of your life with your illness- tracing every tremor, spike, and unsettling stillness.
You meet with both assessors at least twice… You have to talk about your attempts (if there were any). The 2 doctors- in their own way- will get you to talk about why you wanted to kill yourself, what was going on in your life at that time, why you did it that way, why didn’t it work, what happened after. They don’t force anything out of you, obviously- they’re doctors. It gets pretty raw.
Like I touched on in this essay- it’s impossible to not have some existential angst, or spiritual & philosophical unease- and even though they’re using that against that dead man in this latest lawsuit, I think if you feel it, you should talk about it. If you don’t, tell them that, too. Just remember there’s zero pressure. No one wants you to die, to be sure, but they’ll listen to you. They’ll take you in. Not just as medical professionals, but people. They’ll treat you like a person, regardless of their decision.
I wasn’t sure they’d say yes to me, and that’s not a feeling I can explain. It’s not “not being accepted”, or not getting the prize,- it’s that I’d have to blow my head off, kind of thing. They didn’t decide right away, and to think, “do they believe me? Will they let me die?” Isn’t a thought anyone should ever have. Life was never meant to be fair, I guess. I’m not meant for life.
They’ll call some of your old doctors, they called 2 of my friends and one of my sisters. They consulted with my (current) doctors throughout the process.
Just stay with us through this case, and we’ll get there. You deserve every bit of love as anyone on this earth. We’re doing it, so stick with me- please.
"Those who publicly advocate against MAID MI-SUMC aren’t protecting anyone but their own feelings." Exactly. It is their primal fear of the inevitable, projected outward. Those who oppose you are simply afraid of their own death, and of processing the deaths of their loved ones.
As you so elegantly express, nothing feels as good as being able to help someone else, in any way large or small. Your fight right now is a battle to help those who will come after you, and I hope that offers you some solace. I hope that you find release soon.
This really means a lot to me. Really. I needed to read that right now. I can’t tell you how kind and timely it is. Be well.
I am sorry that you are in so much pain and having to deal with so much infantilizing & senseless stupidity.
We all deserve to be treated with respect and to be the authority in our own lives.
Thank you for helping us all to live with more dignity by being such a strong and brave advocate.
Thank you for taking the time to read it, and especially the time to tell me this. It is so greatly appreciated. Be well.
I am not mad at you, yes it's hard to read about your suffering, and yes you absolutely should write under your own name. You are a real and vibrant person writing truthfully about real and difficult things, but I hope you see from these comments that your writing is reaching and touching people. It is helping us to understand and to advocate with and for you. Please post some ways we can support and expand your advocacy - I am just a retired person with no medical or relevant experience, but any suggestions of ways to support your cause are welcome. MAID is always going to be a difficult and delicate issue to iron out, but your voice makes the need for better policies painfully obvious.
Your memories of volunteer work are so beautiful. I am sure that others who have been touched by you know who you are and remember how much good you have brought them in spite of the difficulties you live. Thank you.
When I thank people for reaching out, it never feels like enough- because it means more to me than you know. I appreciate you so much.
Contact Dying With Dignity Canada. They would love to guide you in helping to support this cause. Toll free 1-800-495-6156
This is the perfect advice. I’m actually a complainant with DWDC & John Scully- taking on the Feds for our right to MAID MI-SUMC. Thank you for spreading helpful, relevant, factual information.
You are so brave.
I know that Dying With Dignity Canada is leading an effort to ensure that voices like yours are heard. They are campaigning hard during the current round of public consultations. Toll-free 1-800-495-6156.
Thank you for telling people this. Yes. This is wonderful. Thank you. If you read some other comments- people feel lost, the logistics seem overwhelming, and what you’ve suggested is right on.
I am not disgusted, not at all. I have written about MAiD and mental illness and I would like to talk with you, if that is okay with you.
There’s nothing I wish for more than being able to talk to someone- a person who isn’t my doctor, mother or sister. I just… I’m so far gone. I will do my best.
How do I contact you to set up a meeting?
I’m proud of you for writing under your real name. I’ve been through some similar experiences. During one of my delusions, I wanted to set myself on fire and die in flames. I’ve made two suicide attempts by poisoning myself with morphine and tobacco. I was restrained for days because I was hallucinating from hard drugs—PCP, LSD, cocaine, and more. I experienced homelessness for a time. Since finding housing again, I’ve been volunteering. I’m publishing a medical encyclopedia with OpenAI, and I’ve managed to keep my head above water a little. I still have severe depression symptoms, but I’m writing books with ChatGPT and have reached 22 books so far. My website is Unesante.com.
Like you, I wish I had access to medical assistance in dying for my mental health condition. Your fight inspires me. It could allow me to die with dignity rather than being tied down and forcibly confined, which has happened to me multiple times. I think it’s amazing that you’re writing about what you’re living through. Don’t give up! You can win this challenge—you will succeed. It’s an inequality in treatment to deny this option to people. Since Bill C-7, it’s been discriminatory.
I wish you lots of strength and courage to keep going, and I hope you don’t carry too much on your shoulders.
I continue to read you with each publication, following the progress of this heart-rending protest. The challenge against the person who asked for help to die for bipolarity and a bad back shouldn't go far. It was the person's choice, the family won't be able to forbid it and the doctor judged that all his illnesses were intolerable, he was less strict than other doctors, I think we should be able to die as we wish, it's capacitism to prevent others from dying.
Thank you for continuing, thank you for being there, thank you for fighting for equal rights for all of us.
I can’t tell you what this means to me. It breaks my heart- I really wish no one understood, but here we are. You keep going, and I’ll keep going. I know I don’t know you, but you are in my heart. Thank you, so much. Peace and Love.
I'm not disgusted, I don't think you are a disappointment etc etc. I don't know. I do not know. But since you bravely want tp stick around until 2027, maybe volunteering isn't the worst idea ever. Simplistic absolutely considering all of the pain you are in. Terrifying for sure sometimes leaving my apartment feels terrifying. But you are stuck right for another 2 years. I say this non sarcastically please knkw that. You can spend every hour, every second, hating it all and being overwhelmed and just like 2 hours a week volunteering. The safety of the suffering, weird way to put it I realize, will still be there for you. You can count on it. Has it ever let you down? Just 2 hours a week pr he'll even a month volunteering even if it doesn't help a single thing. To me, you seem so lost in your brain that a billionth of a digging out might be 2 hours a month out of the home you never leave.Noone will forget you are tremendously suffering in that time.
I understand what you’re saying and I completely agree. The problem is, I can’t leave here (my place) without breaking down. Volunteering was the very last thing I lost. I tried so hard to at least keep that- but I started having panic attacks regularly on the way there, breaking down and/or crying. It started bleeding into my work there, and the worse it became, the worse it became. Knowing I can’t control my thinking/behaviour for volunteerism has crushed me. I miss it as much as I miss being a real person.
Thank you for your insight and thinking of me- especially with potential solutions.
I wish I could act on your advice. I wouldn’t give it a second thought. I appreciate you.
Thank you. I do worry that my commenting will somehow push you over the edge but I sure hope that isn't the case. What I know from my experience and yes we are all different is that if I stopped doing things becasue I had a panic attack going to them/at them/after them, then I would never ever go anywhere. In a way, interacting with you on here gives me some insight in how difficult it has been for therapists to work with me as I am extremely quick to shut down every idea they have. They eventually say thaty can't worrk with me and I get hurt and etc but really if I shut down everything they say how cxan they. I am not a therapist or your therapist so the comparison is flawed but I knda see a bit now.. I mean if you go out and you have a break down and cry and shake (I shake with essential tremor and with nerves lordy. It is a lot of shake and it makes the volunteering tough and makes you feel stressed is that the worst thing on earth? I don't know the ins and outs of your brain or mine obviously but I do know that my thinking has ruined many many things for me - cost me jobs, ruined travel blah blah - but if I sat around and never went out and never ever went out and finally never ever went out then I'd never be able to go out. i'm reminded of a poor fellow I kind of follow who hwas severe CFS - which is a totally real and devastating thing I am not minimizing it. It is an actual physical ruination of the body and mind - anyway, he hasn't been outside or out of his bed in over a dexade, dependent on his elderly parents for everything. Even if he were to get better, his muscles/brain/etc are all completely devolved from his not getting out of bed for more than a decade. his disease in a sense has created an additional disease. But he can't see it, his parents can't see it and it is awful.
Okay, I've gone on way too long. I am never sarcastic here please know that (I am elsewhere ha) but I mean what would happen if you went out once for like 25 minutes to volunteer for 10 minutes the first time and had a horrible panic attack going, there and back - would it make things worse? From the sounds of it from your posts, things can't get worse. They are the worst right now. I mean it will be exhausting and your face will be puffy and red but the worst that would happen is what? You would die? No, but I mean you want to die anyway so that can't be scary. Wow, if I had no fear of death and in fact craved it then I'd be free in a way.
and again my tupoes are egregious and embarrassing.
My typoes are egregious
I also realize you may well assume that I don't understand and dismiss me. Noone understands type things. Probably but still just 2 hours a week.
Thank you for your true words. The unequal treatment of mental suffering and physical illness is actually the continuation of a centuries-old discrimination against the mentally ill. It is so important to name it.
As someone who has gone through bipolar depressions, I can well empathize with the longing for relief from death. However, I rule out this solution for myself. Maybe I've dealt too much with descriptions of near-death experiences. That the suffering ends in the self-selected death is a certainty that has been lost to me. I play with the option more than a fantasy of relief, but deep down I am not convinced.
What makes you so sure that death will actually bring you salvation? Could the separation from your body possibly make everything worse?
Thank you for this. To answer your question/ I really don’t know that it will, and that can be terrifying. I just know that I live in constant torment, and all day I picture myself being tortured- and I wonder if I could take it, and for how long. I think of the worst of humanity- the rot. I’ve flirted with death (like you)- I was in a coma/life-support, heart-attack, respiratory arrest, difibbed- the greatest hits of full lights-out, if you will, and I remember what it was like to hear the code-blue… it was nothing. No light, I just knew it was over. And it was, just like that.
I can’t believe how strong you are. I have a friend with BD, and she’s Catholic, and it’s not an option for her, either. It’s been the only thing I ever really wanted- the only constant in my life. I pray to God everyday, thanking Him for how fortunate I’ve been, and I’m so grateful. I pray for my family and friends, and people who are suffering. I feel full of love, but I’m always on my knees, begging to know how I can go on like this.
Thank you for the detailed answer. I don't know if it's strength to rule out the option of actively ending my life. It's more the suspicion that it won't work, that the longed-for thing won't be waiting there. It’s not so much a moral consideration. It is simply the fear of being deceived by a fantasy.
In terms of Christian religion or mysticism, I try something like love of one’s enemies. I think we all see pain as our enemy, it's very human and unavoidable. The Christian approach to love of our enemies is very counter intuitive and in relation to chronic suffering it sounds slightly cynical and non-empathetic when we hear the recommendation to accept pain completely or even to see it as our friend or rude teacher. But something about it feels true to me. Buddhism also has the story of the second arrow. The distinction between pain and suffering, that arises from fighting pain. So I try to live experimentally with the question: Is it possible to direct my love towards this pain?Can you do anything with that or is it just annoying for you?
I also really dislike hearing this idea from people who have obviously never seen this ocean of suffering in their lives and have only fallen into a puddle once - without ever having experienced this desperate longing for death.
I also tried the loving my enemies thing! I started small: Yankee fans. It was working until I was restrained. The not working thing is the worst. 1/2 of who try fail. You should probably fact-check that but I think it’s around there. Not only doesn’t it work, but then your body’s effed-up somehow- and the worst part of all of it, is that they put you in. The last place we want to be. Volunteering is amazing. It worked better than any therapy or drug (but I couldn’t have done it without them). Regarding directing the pain- having it align with love is why I have to write. I feel it all, all the time and it’s too much. Finally, 100% agree: just because you have eyes doesn’t mean you know what it’s like to loose your sight.
100%
Ok forget the love your enemies thing. The main point is maybe the pain survives death thing. The old suspicion that NOTHING kills your pain and death as an ending is an illusion, a joke. Maybe a funny one. We’ll see.
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through and continue to go through. No one should have to live with so much pain.
Your writing is incredible. Thank you for the brave and generous choice to share it.
Thank you so much. It’s such a king thing to say, and a wonderful thing to hear. I appreciate you.
God bless you. I connect with a lot of psychiatric patients, (100s/week?) and the Canadians all say that: they can’t find psychiatrists. This seems to be a real problem I didn’t know about, or didn’t consider. Have you talked to a physician? That’s all I can think. I’ll tell you what; we’re doing this. You, me, all the ones who have empathy and believe in equality- it’s happening, it’s changing. Hang-in, please? I’ll try harder if you do. I know the tank is empty but please wait for us to win. Someone will be there, to hold your hand, and show you love.
DWDC is who could help with the logistical information (when it becomes legal for MAID MI-SUMC). They guide you through it, explain your options, and summarily add light to a situation shrouded in darkness. That’s what they do for those who need MAID. I was assessed completely for the lawsuit, and it’s not a super-simple process.
There’s a lot of talking stock of your entire life; your disease, and how it’s killing you. That’s a lot for anyone, and we’re already crippled by it all the time. You have to go over and over your worst episodes, explaining all of the “why”s for your symptoms, for each one, each time. You have to have to explain how, and why you feel that you can’t live anymore, why you’re dying. You have to talk about why you started/stopped taking certain drugs, started/stoped a certain therapy, you have to talk about how you feel on that day- as you’re talking. You have to talk about everything you’ve lost- at least, what you don’t have.
They examine the seismograph of your life with your illness- tracing every tremor, spike, and unsettling stillness.
You meet with both assessors at least twice… You have to talk about your attempts (if there were any). The 2 doctors- in their own way- will get you to talk about why you wanted to kill yourself, what was going on in your life at that time, why you did it that way, why didn’t it work, what happened after. They don’t force anything out of you, obviously- they’re doctors. It gets pretty raw.
Like I touched on in this essay- it’s impossible to not have some existential angst, or spiritual & philosophical unease- and even though they’re using that against that dead man in this latest lawsuit, I think if you feel it, you should talk about it. If you don’t, tell them that, too. Just remember there’s zero pressure. No one wants you to die, to be sure, but they’ll listen to you. They’ll take you in. Not just as medical professionals, but people. They’ll treat you like a person, regardless of their decision.
I wasn’t sure they’d say yes to me, and that’s not a feeling I can explain. It’s not “not being accepted”, or not getting the prize,- it’s that I’d have to blow my head off, kind of thing. They didn’t decide right away, and to think, “do they believe me? Will they let me die?” Isn’t a thought anyone should ever have. Life was never meant to be fair, I guess. I’m not meant for life.
They’ll call some of your old doctors, they called 2 of my friends and one of my sisters. They consulted with my (current) doctors throughout the process.
Just stay with us through this case, and we’ll get there. You deserve every bit of love as anyone on this earth. We’re doing it, so stick with me- please.
Then, we can be free.