Must Love Hot Dogs

He who has a “why” to live can bear almost any sandwich.

Recently/since the beginning of time, it feels more and more like the divide between us is an abyss. There’s a fraying, old rope-bridge that no one wants to cross, and it becomes more unstable each time someone does. We seem more concerned with being right rather than hearing each other out- being rational, patient or considerate. I'm the worst of us. I try to keep my trap shut as much as I can (beyond suing the federal government), but then someone told me that a hot dog is considered a sandwich. I thought she was having a stroke, stringing words together that didn't make sense. Then I got anxiety about psychosis, and these are two of my least favourite things. What on God’s trashed earth has gone on in the world since I left it? There are people just walking around like normies, who truly believe that hot dogs are sandwiches. These people can get MAID and talk about space travel without a care in the world. Must be nice. In case there’s any doubt about which side of the aisle I sit when it comes to the interchangeability of the hot dog and the sandwich families, let me make myself absolutely clear. Hard no. Zero wiggle-room. Not up for debate. Hot dogs are not sandwiches. I’ve never been more passionate about anything in my life. Again, with the exception of suing the government.

Now is not the time to act like an idiot. Now is the time to appreciate irony.

We need to come together for the bigger picture. Does anyone know or care about a sandwich-eating contest? Hot Dogs and sandwiches have no business being in the same thought unless it’s menu-related. We must deeply reflect and confront the fundamental questions that lie at the heart of our beliefs. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re being pressured about hot dogs being sandwiches, always look to the deep-seated truth and sandwich wisdom we’re all born with as human beings. We all feel like we think inside the front part of our skull, we all feel love and heartbreak in the middle of our chest, we all feel difficult decisions in the middle of our gut, and we all feel like we could eat a sandwich everyday. Not so with a hot dog. No way.

c/o internet

At a baseball game, what do you eat in your seat? A sandwich? That's no way to create memories. I remember the grilled cheese at the Rogers Centre, but I ate it between the napkin dispenser and the bathroom like a normal adult. Didn’t you have “Hot Dog Day” at school when you were a kid? No one had “sandwich day” and you know why? Because every day was sandwich day, and we all hated our sandwiches. Do you roast sandwiches on a stick when you go camping? When you’re at the office and someone offers to bring you back “a sandwich or something”, do you ask for a hot dog? I act like a full dick and even I wouldn’t do that.

In the province of Québec, they serve hot dogs steamed. They put mustard, relish, and weird coleslaw on it. They’re called “steamies” (pronounced steemees). They’re amazing. When I was little, my favourite sunday mornings were the ones my father told my mom that he was taking my sister and I to church, while instead taking us to La Roulotte. He played pinball while my sister and I ate our “steemie-all-drress”, fries dosed in salt and white vinegar, and drank Pepsi. Indeed, hot dog buns can look like sandwich bread which could confuse people, but it shouldn’t. Not in this day and age. It’s been underreported, but there are toasters dedicated solely to hot dogs. They’re called “hot dog toasters”. Who among us doesn’t love a toaster oven, but let’s remember- you can put a sandwich and a hot dog in it. That’s not a focused toaster. Never underestimate the importance of specificity. Have you ever been to high tea? Don’t expect tea-hot dogs, because no one’s ever even thought of that. Does anyone say “Hot-diggity-sandwich!” when they’re excited? No. No, they don’t.

Have you ever eaten a “Pogo” (otherwise known as a corn dog)? Changed my life. Socks blown off. It’s a hot dog on a stick. It’s the best invention since normal hot dogs, and normal sticks. You would never go to a BBQ and ask for a sandwich, unless you want everyone at the BBQ to hate you. That’s hot dog time. I’m not saying one’s better than the other, I’m just saying that nobody’s eating a breakfast hot dog. We may eat the same ingredients, but we spread them around the plate differently and call them something else.

I love sandwiches. You’ve got your clubs, your grilled cheese, grilled cheese with bacon, normal cheese, BLT, hot chicken, fried chicken, grilled chicken, normal chicken, meatball, caprese, roast beef, tuna salad, egg salad, tuna salad with egg, fried egg, poached egg, ketchup (poor people), steak, cheesesteak, ham, ham and cheese, salami, cucumber, jambon beurre, reuben, croque monsieur, croque madame, peanut butter, peanut butter and jam, peanut butter and banana, Monte Cristo, etc. The list could go on forever. No one’s mad at sandwiches. It's just that one isn’t the other. The only things they have in common are that they’re usually delicious, and they both go in your mouth. While slightly controversial, I barely consider a Sloppy Joe a sandwich. Maybe it’s just the way I make them but I wouldn’t put it in a lunch bag. I want them both to exist in harmony to be sure, the same way they do at Ikea and 7-11. Sandwiches don’t discriminate, people do. This is not about exclusivity. It is something unquestionable.

We don’t need to compare the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel to a painting of Dogs Playing Poker to know that both are incredible works of genius art, but they are not the same. One has a bunch of dicks painted on it.

A hot dog is not a sandwich.